10. Not as many zippers to undo when you have to pee.
Mntndew101@aol.com
9. No high-velocity meetings with pine trees.
ednegari@idt.net
8. Ascent lines are better than lift lines.
LEEMIXON@prodigy.net
7. It's hard to break a leg while diving.
realtor@isd.net
6. If you fall, it doesn't hurt.
worchild@geocities.com
5. Sand doesn't melt and freeze your butt when you sit down.
farmach@worldnet.att.net
4. Nobody ever gets their tongue stuck to a frozen tank!
cmletham@mail3.bunt.com
3. You don't have to break anything to have something to talk about at the
end of the day.
fbrattain@telegroup.com
2. Even with all your dive gear, you can still move better than you can in
ski boots.
farmach@worldnet.att.net
1. When you are spread-eagle face down everyone admires your buoyancy control instead of criticizing you for packing down the powder.
10. Yes ... I want you to tell me when I say the wrong thing in front of everyone and no one else catches it.
9. To avoid shark attacks: Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.
8. Hiccups underwater? Hold your breath.
7. A dive computer will do all those calculations for you.
6. Don't worry what those gauges say...you'll KNOW when you're out of air!
5. Wear gloves on every dive. That way, when you're going hand-over-hand on the coral, you won't cut yourself.
4. Spit in your suit to get warm and pee in your mask to defog.
3. If you take Viagra it will increase your lift.
2. Always remember to empty your tank before surfacing. Waste not, want not.
1. If you have good eyes, you don't really need a mask.
Top 10 Lies Veteran Divers Tell Newbies:10) Sure! The newest diver always carries his buddy's tank. 9) No, really, it's warmer on the bottom. 8) No, just spit in it and leave it there. 7) That rip on my BC? Shark attack. 6) No, no, no--that fin goes on your other foot! 5) You honestly didn't know you can fill your tanks with the hose at
the gas station? 4) Rule #1: More weight = More bottom time 3) When you surface, splash around and yell for the boat, so they
come get you first. 2) That bottom time is a relative figure, since most of the time you don't touch bottom. 1) When I was your age, there was no such thing as a boat dive! We
had to do 15-mile-long surface swims in heavy surge to get out to the
best dive sites, and when we got there, we only had enough air to stay
down at 30 feet for 10 minutes, because our tanks were made out of wood,
and they leaked like the dickens! Then we had to swim 15 miles back to
shore, fighting against a riptide the whole way! When we got back, we
only got a surface interval of 20 seconds, and then we did it all over
again! That's the way it was, and we liked it!
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10) That familiar looking school of fish are now laughing and pointing at you
as you pass them for the third time.
9) The boat crew asks if you would like to stow your towel aboard the rescue
Zodiac so it will be handy when you finish your dives.
8) The fish keep eating the bread crumb trail you intend to follow back to
the dive boat.
7) It's become necessary to carry your passport with you on every dive.
6) Your spouse sewed an "If lost, please return to" patch into your
wetsuit.
5) Your pre-dive checklist includes notifying the local search and recovery
unit of your dive plan.
4) Your wife nags you to stop at the next cleaning station for directions.
3) You've reprogrammed your dive computer to access mapquest.com.
2) When you and your buddy decide to go north, you bump heads.
1) You can't even find your way to the deep end of the pool.
10) "You didn't know you had to carry and wash out your buddy's
gear?"
Leslie-Anne of Atlanta, Ga.
9) "Don't worry, as soon as we descend through the first 50 feet, we'll
be able to see each other again!"
Helen of Orlando, Fla.
8) "Don't worry! Most of the divers make it back to the boat before it
leaves."
Bob Granato of New York
7) "Dude, your power inflator battery is way dead. You might want to get
a replacement before you hit the water."
Jeff Voight of Arlington, Va.
6) "Glad I'm not using rental gear, I saw them spill a bucket of chum on
all the BCs."
Paul Counts of Manchester, Mo.
5) "I own all my gear. I read where a diver died from bacteria breathed
from a rental reg."
Allen Wooten of Thomasville, Ga.
4) "What shark repellent do you use?"
John Maughan of England
3) "They told you to do it like that? I'll look for another buddy."
Rafael Laverde of Miami, Fla.
2) "Hey, does your dive computer have internet access?"
Katy Perry of Martinez, Calif.
1) "If anything happens can I have your watch?"
10. Nitrox is a gas. What do you mean you can't kill people with it?
(Go@ix.netcom.com)
9. He has not figured out a way to burn the American flag underwater.
(Sam@mdli.com)
8. He quivers every time he hears the word "tank."
(rick164@aol.com)
7. Nerve gas give you REALLY short bottom times!
(Scubagator@aol.com)
6. He can't remember which tank has the anthrax.
(Quo48for@aol.com)
5. His dive buddies keep defecting.
(futon@3-cities.com)
4. It's too difficult to surround himself by 200 women and children on the
dive boat.
(Leland.Larson@mirage.brooks.af.mil)
3. He can't deal with the annual tank "visual inspections."
(Go@ix.netcom.com)
2. Because sharks are better equipped to defend their territory than the
Kuwaitis.
(geno_user@sequana.com)
1. "Sorry Saddam, no dive card, no air fill - even if you are a ruthless
murderous madman."
